EXPLANATION

Tisch & T'naim

Sabina and Tamar will start the wedding at a tisch (table), where we’ll sing, greet guests, and give dvrei Torah.

Before the chuppah, we'll dance with family and friends towards a rock, which is symbolic of longstanding promises in the Torah, and sign our t'naim (premarital agreements) and brit ahuvim (lovers' covenant). Our parents will break a plate—a sign of the irreparable change about to take place—and bentsch (bless) their new child-in-law.

This replaced the traditional bedeken. We wanted a moment of communal singing and excitement around us seeing each other, and used the t’naim signing to do that. We got to dance on the rock, which was pretty cool.

Zev Lindenbaum explained what was going to happen, and Rabbi Adam Mintz and Sarah Myers signed our brit. Leah Slaten and Daphna Varadi signed our tnaim.

Chuppah

The chuppah symbolizes the home that we'll build together: open on all sides and covered by two significant pieces of fabric, Tamar's grandmother's tallit (on loan from Nava Feder) and Sabina's grandmother's silk painting. Both of us were shaped by our grandmothers and feel especially lucky to have our chuppah covered by representations of their lifelong passions. Our chuppah was handmade by our brilliant friend Avi Schwarzschild. After our wedding, Avi cut our chuppah into batei mezuzot (mezuzah cases) for us, so we can use this first home in our homes to come.

Since the chuppah is representative of our home, we wanted to come into it together and not have one person wait for the other inside of it. Instead of walking down the aisle, we walked towards the chuppah at the same time, from different sides.

Under the chuppah, our parents will help us put on kittels and bentsch us. Kittels are simple, white garments without pockets specifically worn on Yom Kippur. The Gemara says that the wedding day is a personal Yom Kippur for the couple. Wearing kittels takes the focus off the material, outer nature and brings us to the deeper level, serving as both memento mori and a symbol of the purity and rebirth of this day.

Our chuppah does not have a main officiant. We have invited a number of loved ones to participate by reading or framing parts of our ceremony. Together, all of the people who are there will be part of officiating our brit.

BRIT AHUVIM & KINYAN

Overview of Shutafut

The Hebrew word for partnership, shutafut, is used in some of the Palestinian ketubbot (marriage contracts) found in the Cairo Geniza, a repository of hundreds of thousands of Jewish documents dating back to 870 CE. Shutafut is also a term used to describe legal business partnerships, especially those of joint ventures.

The partners in the venture commit to a set of t'naim (provisions). Then, by jointly investing valuable property and lifting it up—a fundamental way of changing status in halakha (Jewish law)—the partners become halakhically responsible for and beneficiaries of the provisions of the partnership. This is called kinyan l'hatil b'kis, acquisition by lifting in a bag.

In our brit ahuvim (lovers’ covenant), we have outlined twelve t'naim, setting a standard for our partnership and life. We will call up loved ones read these t'naim. We'll each contribute valuable property (plain gold rings) to a bag and have witnesses verify the individual ownership of the property. Finally, we'll lift the bag together, becoming partners in this venture.

Explanation of the Kinyan

Explained by Judy Heicklen and Rav Miriam Lichtenberg

In Jewish Law, kinyan is the act whereby a person voluntarily obtains legal rights. Its literal meaning is “acquisition” and the concept stretches back to the very first child born into the world. Eve names him “Cain” from the word “kinyan” as she says, “I have acquired a man with God” (Genesis 4:1).

From that beginning, through the Bible, Mishna, Gemara, and the later sages, the legal ramifications of acquisition are delineated and debated: how to do it, the different kinds of kinyanim for different kinds of property and services, who can do it. In general, to be effective, the kinyan requires some physical manifestation that it is happening—lifting, pulling, paying, writing a deed, or exchanging goods.

In a wedding with kiddushin, the kinyan in that case is effected by kinyan chalifin, an acquisition by exchange, which historically had been done using a handkerchief (kinyan sudar).  Handkerchiefs being less common these days, people use pens or iPhones to effect the kinyan at a wedding.

By choosing Brit Ahuvim, Sabina and Tamar have chosen to build their future on the model of shutafut, which means partnership.  “Partnership” is used to describe whenever any two (or more) people want to go into business together or own joint property.  In order to create this joint venture, they too must enact a kinyan. The Rambam explains the conditions required to set up a partnership in the Yad Chazaka, Hilchot Shluchin v’Shutafin 4:1. To create this partnership Tamar and Sabina will each contribute something to it, in this case literally into a pouch, which we will serve as witnesses for, and then raise the pouch together “l’hatil b’kis”.  Raising their joint property together enacts the kinyan, the acquisition. Each partner has invested into the partnership, has given from herself, to create something that now belongs to the two of them.

In Masechet Shabbat 63a it speaks of levels of charity: 

.ואמר רבי אבא, אמר רבי שמעון בן לקיש, גדול המלוה יותר מן העושה צדקה. ומטיל בכיס יותר מכולם

Rabbi Abba said in the name of Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish:  the one who lends to the needy is greater than the one who gives charity to them.  And the one who “puts into the pouch”, who partners with the needy, is greater than all others. 

What does this mean?  The person who partners with you, who trusts you, who pushes you, who supports you by having your back so that you can help yourself- that person, that partner, is operating at the highest level.  As the two of you celebrate your brit ahuvim, we bless you both to support, to push, to trust, and to partner with each other.

SHTAR

בראשון בשבת, כ"ה בחשוון ה'תשפ"ב, למניין שאנו מונים כאן, קוקסאקי שבמדינת ניו-יורק בארצות הברית, יפה חנה בת רבקה דבורה וצבי הירש למשפחת מושייף וטלויץ, ותמר בינה בת שערי פנינה ונתן נטע ירמיהו למשפחת אפלמן ולינדנבאום, מצהירות ומאשרות בפני עדים את כניסתן לברית אהובים ביניהן, לבניין בית נאמן בישראל.

ברית אהובים זו היא ברית קודש, כּבריתות בני עמנו מקדם, והיא נכרתת באמונה, למען יעמוד לעדי עד.

היא ברית ללא סְיָג, לקיום בכל עת ונסיבות, כַּברית אשר הקים הקב"ה עם נח וצאצאיו, ככתוב:

וְהָיְתָה הַקֶּשֶׁת בֶּעָנָן, וּרְאִיתִיהָ לִזְכֹּר בְּרִית עוֹלָם בֵּין אֱלֹקים וּבֵין כָּל נֶפֶשׁ חַיָּה

(בראשית ט,יז)

היא ברית של המשכיות, הנכרתת בתקווה שתעמוד לאורך העִתִים, כנאמר:

וְזָכַרְתִּי אֲנִי אֶת־בְּרִיתִי אוֹתָךְ בִּימֵי נְעוּרָיִךְ וַהֲקִימוֹתִי לָךְ בְּרִית עוֹלָם (יחזקאל טז ,ס)

היא ברית של מסירות וקשירת נפשות, כִּברית יהונתן ודוד, ככתוב:

וְנֶפֶשׁ יְהוֹנָתָן נִקְשְׁרָה בְּנֶפֶשׁ דָּוִד ... וַיִּכְרֹת יְהוֹנָתָן וְדָוִד בְּרִית, בְּאַהֲבָתוֹ אֹתוֹ כְּנַפְשׁוֹ.

(שמואל א' יח,א-ג)

On Sunday, the 31st of October 2021, the 25th of Cheshvan 5782, according to the count we keep here in the city of Coxsackie, NY, Sabina Hanna, child of Rebecca Deborah and Harris Zvi of the Moshief and Tilevitz family, and Tamar Bina, child of Shari Penina and Nathan Jeremy of the Appleman and Lindenbaum family, declare and confirm in the presence of witnesses a lovers’ covenant between them, to build a faithful home among the people of Israel.

This lovers’ covenant is a holy covenant, based on Jewish covenants throughout time, made in faithfulness to stand for eternity.

It is a boundless covenant, kept in all times and circumstances, like the covenant God swore to Noah and his descendants, saying:

When the rainbow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures.

(Genesis 9, 16)

It is a covenant of continuity, made in hope to last through ages, as it says:

I will remember the covenant I made with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish it with you as an everlasting covenant. (Ezekiel 16, 60)

It is a covenant of devotion and joining souls, like the covenant David and Jonathan made, as it is said:

And Jonathan's very soul was bound up with the soul of David... Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as his own soul.

(Samuel 18, 1-3)

T’nai 1

סבינה ותמר מצהירות שבחרו זו את זו כחברות לחיים ולשיח מתמשך ביניהן, כפי שלימדונו רבותינו:

"וקנה לך חבר. כיצד? מלמד שיקנה האדם חבר לעצמו, שיאכל עמו, וישתה עמו, ויקרא עמו, וישנה עמו, ויישן עמו, ויגלה לו כל סתריו – סתר תורה וסתר דרך ארץ."

(אבות דרבי נתן ח ,ג)

Sabina and Tamar declare that they have chosen each other as companions in life, dedicated to unending conversation, as our rabbis teach:

“Get yourself a companion.” This teaches that a person should get a companion, to eat with, to drink with, to study Torah with, to study Mishnah with, to sleep with, and to confide all one's secrets, secrets of Torah and secrets of the ways of the world.

(Avot D'Rabbi Natan 8, 3)

T’nai 2

תמר וסבינה יאשרו את ההבדלים ביניהן כפרטים, וינצלו את אלה כדי להוסיף זו לזו, "למלא כל אחת את הכוס של השנייה, ולא לשתות מכוס אחת" (חליל ג'ובראן), להכיר במלאוּת של השנייה בפני עצמה, וביחד לחוות את השפע של

.כּוֹסִי רְוָיָה

(תהלים כג, ה)

Tamar and Sabina acknowledge their differences as individuals, and will use them to add to one another, to “fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup” (Khalil Gibran), to recognize each other’s fullness in their own right, and together experience the abundance of:

My cup runneth over.

(Psalms 23, 5)

T’nai 3

תמר וסבינה לוקחות על עצמן ליצור ביניהן שותפות אמת, בקבלת החלטות, בנטילת אחריות ובשיתוף משאבים חומריים ורוחניים. במשאבים אלה הן תבנינה בית שיהיה לקֵן ולמִפלַט, פתוח לבני-משפחה, חברים ואורחים, כדי שיהנו מכל השֶׁפַע בו נתברכו, ככתוב:

וְשָׂמַחְתָּ בְכל־הַטּוֹב אֲשֶׁר נָתַן־לְךָ ה' אֱלֹקיךָ וּלְבֵיתֶךָ אַתָּה וְהַלֵּוִי וְהַגֵּר אֲשֶׁר בְּקִרְבֶּךָ׃

(דברים כו, יא)

Tamar and Sabina take it upon themselves to create a true partnership, sharing decision making, responsibility, and resources, both material and immaterial. They will use these resources to build a home that is a nest and a refuge, open to family, friends, and guests to share in the bounty in which they have been blessed, as it is written:

And you shall enjoy, together with the Levite and the sojourner in your midst, all the bounty that Hashem your God has given you and your household.

(Deuteronomy 26, 11)

T’nai 4

תמר וסבינה מבטיחות להסב כל אחת לשנייה אושר, ולעורר זו את זו לצחוק, נוכח רוגע וגם קשיי היום-יום, בעתים של שגרה וגם של תהפוכות.

אָז יִמָּלֵא שְׂחוֹק פִּינוּ וּלְשׁוֹנֵנוּ רִנָּה

(תהלים קכו)

Tamar and Sabina promise to bring each other joy and make each other laugh, through mundane, difficult, and extraordinary times.

Our mouths shall be filled with laughter, our tongues, with songs of joy.

(Psalms 126)

T’nai 5

סבינה ותמר מאמצות את כל הזכויות והחובות החלות על בני-זוג נשואים; לדאוג להורֶיה, אחֶיה, בני משפחתה המורחבת ויתר יקיריה של השנייה, לכבד ולאהוב אותם כמו שלה.

"מִשְׁפָּחָה שֶׁנִּטְמְעָה - נִטְמְעָה"

(ליקוטי מוהר"ן ס״ט, ח)

Sabina and Tamar adopt all the family rights and commitments that apply to spouses; to care for, respect, and love without bounds each other’s parents, siblings, extended families, and loved ones.

A family that has blended together will stay blended.

(Lekutai Mehoran 69, 8)

T’nai 6

סבינה ותמר מתחייבות להקים משפחה ברוּחַן של המשפחות האוהבות בהן גדלו, ולאהוב את כל הילדים בהם תתבָּרֶכנה; לגדלם בְּרַכּוּת ובכבוד; לְהוֹרִישׁ להם את מְסוֹרוֹת הוריהן ועמן; ולקחת אותם ברצינות, כדי שיגדלו "להיות מי שנועדו להיות. האדם האלמוני הטמון בתוכם הוא תקוותנו לַעָתיד" (יאנוש קורצ'אק), ככתוב:

אֵין הָעוֹלָם מִתְקַיֵּים אֶלָּא בִּשְׁבִיל הֶבֶל תִּינוֹקוֹת

(בבלי שבת קיט.)

Sabina and Tamar commit to creating a family in the spirit of the families in which they were raised, and to love all children with whom they may be blessed, rearing them with tenderness and respect, endowing them with the traditions of their parents and people, and taking them seriously so that they may grow “into whomever they were meant to be. The unknown person inside of them is our hope for the future” (Janusz Korczak). As it is written:

The world remains but for the breath of babes.

(Talmud Bavli Shabbat)

T’nai 7

תמר וסבינה תכבדנה זו את זו, כאשר קל הדבר וכאשר לא כך, ולסלוח זו לזו מכל הלב כאשר מָעַדוּ. כל אחת תעודד את השנייה לאַתגֵר את עצמה, ותתמוך בה בכישלונות ובהצלחות, ככתוב:

טוֹבִים הַשְּׁנַיִם מִן הָאֶחָד, אֲשֶׁר יֵשׁ לָהֶם שָׂכָר טוֹב בַּעֲמָלָם. כִּי אִם יִפֹּלוּ, הָאֶחָד יָקִים אֶת חֲבֵרו.

(קהלת ד,ט-י)

Tamar and Sabina will respect each other, when it is easy and when it is not, and will forgive each other with full hearts when they have stumbled. Each will encourage the other to challenge themself and will support them through failures and successes, as it is written:

Two are better off than one, for they have a good reward from their efforts. For should they fall, one can lift the other.

(Ecclesiastes 4, 10)

T’nai 8

סבינה ותמר מקדישות עצמן לחיפוש בלתי-פוסק של אמת ומשמעות בחייהן, לחֶקֶר וּשְׁאִילַת שאלות, בְּהִתחַקוּת אַחַר פְּלִיאָה וגילוּי מִתמַשכים.

הֲפֹךְ בָּהּ וַהֲפֹךְ בָּהּ, דְּכֹלָּא בָה.

(אבות ה,כב)

Sabina and Tamar commit to an ongoing search for truth and meaning within their lives, exploring and questioning, seeking radical amazement and continuous revelation.

Search in it and search in it, for everything is in it.

(Pirkei Avot 5, 22)

T’nai 9

סבינה ותמר מקדישות עצמן לרדיפת צדק כמשפחה יהודית, ולהתמסר יחד למטלת קהילתן לתקן עולם למען כל חי, להגשמת הנבואה:

וְיִגַּל כַּמַּיִם מִשְׁפָּט וּצְדָקָה כְּנַחַל אֵיתָן.

(עמוס ה,כד)

Sabina and Tamar pledge themselves to the pursuit of righteousness as a Jewish family, and to work together toward the communal task of building a better world for all creatures, bringing to fruition the prophecy:

Let justice roll down like water, righteousness like a mighty stream.

(Amos 5, 24)

T’nai 10

תמר וסבינה מתחייבות להיות שותפות לדרך במסעיהן ובהַרפַּתקָאוֹתֵיהן במהלך חייהן, תוביל דרכן לאן שתוביל, כַּהצהרה:

אֶל אֲשֶׁר תֵּלְכִי אֵלֵךְ, וּבַאֲשֶׁר תָּלִינִי אָלִין; עַמֵּךְ עַמִּי, וֵאלֹקיִךְ אֱלֹקי. בַּאֲשֶׁר תָּמוּתִי אָמוּת, וְשָׁם אֶקָּבֵר.

(רות א,טז-יז)

Tamar and Sabina commit to be faithful sojourners in their travels and adventures through life, no matter where the road may lead, holding by the principles of

For wherever you go, I will go; wherever you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried.

(Ruth 1:16-17)

T’nai 11

סבינה ותמר מתחייבות כל אחת לסייע לשנייה הנוֹטָה למות, על-ידי נוכחות נאמנה ועדינה לצידה של אהובתה עד צאת נשמתה, ואז לנצור וּלְהַנְכִּיחַ את זו, להגשמת:

שִׂימֵנִי כַחוֹתָם עַל לִבֶּךָ, כַּחוֹתָם עַל זְרוֹעֶךָ, כִּי עַזָּה כַמָּוֶת אַהֲבָה.

(שיר השירים ח, ו)

Sabina and Tamar pledge that one will help the other through their time of dying, by tender, faithful presence until the end, and then keep the spirit of the departed present, fulfilling:

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is stronger than death.

(Song of Songs 8, 6)

T’nai 12

תמר וסבינה מאמינות ביכולתן לקיים ברית זו על כל תנאיה, ואת רוחה, גם אם לְעִתִים תיכשלנה. "שלמות הינה תוצאת התמסרות העטופה בעבודה קשה." (מרסל לינדנבאום)

.לֹא־נִפְלֵאת הִוא מִמְּךָ וְלֹא רְחֹקָה הִוא ... כִּי־קָרוֹב אֵלֶיךָ הַדָּבָר מְאֹד בְּפִיךָ וּבִלְבָבְךָ לַעֲשֹׂתוֹ׃

(דברים ל,יא-יד)

Tamar and Sabina believe in their ability to uphold the provisions and the spirit of this covenant, even if they fail at times. "Perfection is the product of commitment surrounded by hard work" (Marcel Lindenbaum).

It is not too wondrous for you nor is it distant... for it is very close to you, in your mouth and in your heart, to do it.

(Deuteronomy 30, 11-14)

THANK YOU

Creating a meaningful chuppah for today, one grounded in mesorah and elevated to our reality, took knowledge, creativity, and thought. We are thankful to the many people and resources to whom we turned, mainly:

Our teacher and friend Judy Heicklen, who continually inspires us and many more people with her commitment to halakha and her serious, kind, and inclusive way of approaching all creatures.

Rabbi Rachel Adler, who researched shutafut and created the original ceremony for a brit ahuvim.

Our translator, our uncle Mordy Kehat who rendered our brit so beautifully in Hebrew that we translated much of what he wrote back into English.

Our cousin, Shai Lavi-Kehat, who served as an additional editor and thought partner.

Our incredible photographer, Tracy Jade Photography.